Confessions Of A Bleach Villain
by Rogue12158
Summary: Ever wonder what the villains do when the main characters of Bleach have their not so convenient chit-chats mid battle? Well, now you can find out! What will they do? Pay bills? Dance? Play golf?


Hello, beautiful reviewers! I know that it's been a while for my anime fans, but here I am, again! Hope that the wait hasn't been too painful.

The inspiration for this fic came from the episode of Bleach that was on last night, the one where Kariya dies, and in that battle, there's like a thirty second lull where Ichigo is talking to Yoruichi and Byakuya. I was wondering, what the hell is Kariya doing for that down time. Then the fact that it was about two A.M. and the Diet Coke was starting to set in, so this story came to be.

Disclaimer: No own Bleach. I don't own the song, _I Like Big Butts_ or the Phineas and the Ferb-tones song _Gitchi Gitchi Goo (I Love U). _I know, I'm sad, too.

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_Confessions of a Bleach Villain_

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Okay, here I was, just kind of waiting at this... well... ominous looking hill. Man, the main character sure is taking his sweet time...

Wait, was that a wave of angst I just felt? Ah... Here he is.

"You bitch!" He shouted, racing towards me, the famed Zangetsu ready to swing at my moderately vulnerable neck. I held up my own Zanpakuto in defense.

His blade skid against mine and broke the contact. He swung it again, I blocked it again. He brought the butcher-knife-esque blade over his head and forced it down from it's rather impressive height, aiming for my head.

Rude.

My Zanpakuto, which remains unnamed because the author of this fic lacks the creative capacity to name a Zanpakuto—damn author. That's right! You heard me, Rogue12158!!!—was lifted over my own head to bar his from spitting my cranium in two. That would have been messy.

_Damn_, I thought as I looked up at him. _He's hot. _And he was. Not an everyday-second-glance-as-he-walks-by hot, but an offer-him-a-job-position-of-_on-top-_with-the-job-description-being-_it-gets-rowdy _kind of hot.

"Why are you doing this?!?!" He shouted at me.

_Whoa, buddy, right here. No need to shout._

"Because I must!" What I really wanted to say was, _Why is your hair such an obnoxious color?_, but I held that back.

"What are you trying to do?!" He yelled again, right in my ear. I made a mental note to get his address so I could bill him for the hearing aide I now will have to use.

I broke away from his Zangetsu and jumped backwards a few yards, preparing for my villain speech. The real thing is, why do I have to tell him this? Every single enemy of the Soul Society, aiming to destroy the Sereitei, has the same reason... Sigh... I mean, first there was the Bounts, then the Vizard, and I'm sure that the Arrancar will find a reason to turn on these people someday. And here I am, to seek vengeance for my nearly extinct race.

I cleared my throat in a dramatic manner. "When my kind was created, by complete accident, we were treated like scum, practically exterminated, and sent off to the world of the living, where we were thought of as witches or demons for the killing! I'm going to destroy the Sereitei and pick off the Soul Reapers one by one, like they did with my people!"

I stopped for a second to catch my breath—I do not suggest fighting directly before a long and emotional rant—when the hot carrot top turned around and started talking to his previously unnoticed posse.

_Wait._ I thought. _The dude has a posse?I want one!!_

I took the lagging moment to take a good look at his posse.

There was a tall Mexican one that was pretty cute, despite his freakish arms. There was a puny looking nerd next to him that almost reached the Mexican's height. He seemed to be wearing some kind of diva-tastic apparel that made me want to giggle. While the lickable carrot boy was talking, the nerd adjusted his glasses with his middle finger, seeming to be flipping him off. At his side, there was a midget girl, who—even with her height, or lack there off—seemed to be able to whip some ass. I'd roll that way for her. Next, there was a tall girl—

I felt my eyes pop out of my head.

_LOOK AT THE SIIZE OF THOSE KNOCKERS!!_

_How is that girl standing upright?!_

That, honestly, can't be healthy.

Once I was done surveying his peeps, I felt very bored. The five of them seemed to be discussing strategy, as if I wasn't even here.

I started whistling, waiting for the fight to continue when I felt something next my butt vibrate, and music started playing. I shook my money-maker to the tune of the song.

_I said a...  
Bow, chicka, bow-wow  
That's what my baby says  
Bow, Bow, Bow,  
And my heart starts pumpin'  
Chicka, chicka, chew-ow  
Never gonna stop  
Gitchi-gitchi-goo means that I love you_

Ah, a text. "Hey, Roomie," It said.

_Im, lIk, soooo bored!! lol. We shud, lIk, totally do somTIN 2nt!! U grab d liquor, I'll git d guys!! txt me l8r!!_

I looked at the message. I never could understand a damned word that roommate of mine ever says. I'd have to look up what the Hueco Mundo that message means later.

I put the phone back into my back pocket and looked back up towards the opposing posse. They were still conversing amongst themselves. Pfft.

_What to do? What to do? Ah-ha!!!_

I reached into one of my many pockets in my handy-dandy cargo pants and pulled out an old-fashioned typewriter. It's always been one of my dreams to write the next great American novel. I began to type.

_Four score and seven years ago—_

No wait, dammit, that was already taken. I pulled the page out of the typewriter, shredded it, and the pieces flew away in the wind.

I started again.

_If music be the food of love, play on—_

Shit! That's taken, too. Damn Shakespeare. That paper, too, was shredded and thrown to the wind.Let's try this again.

_Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was—_

FUCK!! WHY MUST EVERYTHING BE TAKEN?!?! Maybe I should just admit defeat and write fanfiction—Yes, Rogue12158, that comment was directed at you.

But, rather than admit defeat—after all, violence is so much more fun—I chucked the cruel typewriter over the side of the cliff. I could faintly hear a thud from where the typewriter landed on someone's head, and the childish giggle of a little girl saying, "look, Kenny he fell down! He-he-he!!"

I heard my phone go off again, this time, playing the Ring tone that signified an actual call. If you thought that I was shaken what my momma gave me to Phineas and the Ferb-tones earlier, than you haven't seen nothing yet.

I like big butts and I cannot lie  
You other brothers can't deny  
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist  
And a round thing in your face  
You get sprung  
Wanna pull up tough  
Cuz you notice that butt was stuffed  
Deep in the jeans she's wearing  
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring  
Oh, baby I wanna get with ya  
And take your picture  
My homeboys tried to warn me  
But that butt you got  
Make Me so horney  
Ooh, rump of smooth skin  
You say you wanna get in my benz  
Well use me use me cuz you aint that average groupy

I pulled my phone out of my pocket for the second time and pressed the call button. "Hello?" I answered.

"Hey, uh, did you, like, remember to pay the electric bill this month?" My braindead roommate asked.

_What?_

"No," I responded. "It was your month."

"Oh! Whoopsies! That would explain why the power just went out. My bad, girlie." She didn't hang up.

"Something else?" I asked her.

"Uh… Yeah. I ,like, um, lost my job last week, and am kinda broke. Could you pay it?"

I looked over at the Soul Reaper posse. They were still in deep conversation. "Yeah, sure. Why not? I have plenty of time." I sat down, cross legged, and pulled out my check book. "How much is it?" I asked into the phone.

"Four-hundred and seventy-three dollars." She responded before disconnecting the call.

Ugh. Alright. _Four-hundred and seventy-three dollars 00/100,_ I wrote out onto the check.

I looked at the check before ripping it out of the check book. Maybe we should stop having disco balls as night lights…

I stood back up and looked, once again, at the still deliberating posse. _Will they ever shut up?!_

Why am I just waiting here? I could have attacked the lickable one already, sliced his pretty little head off, and have been on my way home as I stand here complaining. Sigh. It's a hard knock life.

Out of nowhere, this woman with dark purple hair comes shunpo-ing over to the soul reaper gang. Maybe now this party will finally come to a close.

"Ichigo!" The woman shouted, and Mr. On-Top turned around.

"Yoruichi!" He called her name, a look of somewhat relief comes over his face. Yeah, as if has been so dire.

"Ichigo! You can't lose your focus so easily!" She gestured towards me, the seemingly forgotten enemy. Jeesh, teenagers really have short attention spans.

Ichigo 'Lick Me' Kurosaki looked back at me as a sense of comprehension crossed his face. "Sorry about that," he told me. "Are you prepared to lose?"

"Not really," I sneered—it seemed like the appropriate thing to do at the moment. "I'm not going to lose, boy." Really, I was ready to end this 473 dollars ago, but that's just me.

And then the ensuing battle commenced. Naturally, I ended up with my life being lost—I mean, come on! The boy's the main character, he can't lose—and Miss Giant-Knockers came to heal him while tiny badass girl looked cute and violent in her silence, as the other two just stood there.

As my spirit started to sort of disintegrate, the only thing that I regretted was not finding out what my roommate was trying to tell me earlier.

The world may never know.

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Please review… I'll give out cookies… In a bunny suit! CAN YOU DENY THE BUNNY SUIT?!?!


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